“You . . . #*%!! . . . you!!” are your words building his walls?

Ladies, women can sometimes use nasty words when they are in the heat of an argument with their husband, fiance, brother, son, man friend or associate,

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and even in ordinary conversation they can use words which they might think are actually more or less harmless, but they should be aware that name-calling can cause a tremendous amount of damage to a relationship.

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Because of this name-calling, men will often build walls–emotional blockades–around themselves or, should I say, between themselves and women.

Do you know of a man who has built a wall between himself and one or more of the women in his life?

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Please let’s talk about how these walls get built and also how we might effectively break them down.

And yes, you can imagine that I’m going to make a case for a connection between the words and the walls.

I know that in our culture we have a general disregard for the innate differences between the sexes, so that nowadays the magnificent differences between men and women are melded together, and as such, women generally know very little about how to behave femininely in order to bring out the best in men.

Women generally know even less about how the words they speak affect the men in their lives.


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And this, I believe, is a problem.  A BIG problem.

You see, the words we use are actually powerful tools that we can use to either help or hurt our men.

And they sincerely depend on us to help them, just as we depend on them to be helps, not hindrances, to us.

And to say our words are powerful is an understatement.

Words are really, really, powerful!

Even Jesus Christ, the Savior of the World, described His very own Self as, “The Word.”  Now He could have been an “Idea,” or a “Thought,” or even an “Action.”  But instead, for reasons which we can only ponder this side of Heaven, He called Himself a “Word.”

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So “words” must be really important to God.

And as such, they are indeed very, very, powerful.

So there are some words which a woman might use, or may have used in the past, when talking (or arguing) with men, and if she has used these words, she should not be surprised if there is a huge wall–an emotional blockade–between herself and the man she is attempting to communicate with.

Below I will list some of the specific words that I’m referring to, but for now, let’s talk about the positive words that a woman can use when speaking to a man.

I’ve said before that men depend heavily upon women as they formulate their confidence in themselves.

If a man thinks that his special woman believes less of him, it’s nearly impossible for him to rise up above himself and overcome his faults.

Yet if he believes that she thinks highly of him and his character, he will climb mountains to prove her right.

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And how can he know what she thinks of him except by . . . her words?

So even if you are in the heat of an argument, please do not use negative words around men.

I can promise you that these words will only cause him to shut down, to shut you out, and to build a four-foot-thick emotional wall between himself and you.

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If you know a man who refuses to open his heart and converse about his future dreams, his goals, the things that bring him happiness, and the people he loves the most, you can be fairly sure he’s a man who has built up a wall.

This man will often retreat into himself, close out the world, and become self-absorbed.

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Anger is another tell-tale sign of this man, but his anger is often quiet.  He has been bitten by the sting of hurtful words, and so he has learned to be defensive in all he does.

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And yet, if the wall has been built, is there anything a woman can do to break it down??


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There absolutely is a solution to the problem of a man’s having built an emotional blockade around himself and his heart.  It may take time, and lots of patience, but this wall can be dismantled.


By using . . . words.

Yes, words.  Only this time, she will use words that will soothe, heal, and refresh.  Words that will cause him to believe in himself and feel confident that he is being seen in the best light.

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Don’t we all want to be seen in the best light–I mean, do you ever want to be around someone who sees only your faults??  I certainly don’t.

So what are these words?

Well, there are lots, but I’ll give you my top favorites, and you can go from there:

  1. “Smart”
  2. “Generous”
  3. “Kind”
  4. “Strong”
  5.  “Masculine”
  6.  “Manly”
  7.  “Magnanimous”
  8.  “Fearless”
  9.  “Thoughtful”
  10.  “Patient”
  11.   “Athletic”
  12.   “Super”
  13.   “Intelligent”
  14.   “Tower of strength”
  15.   “Helpful”

And if a man asks you if you think he should put on weight, say, for sports, then use words like “lean and muscular”  (yes, I know that we ladies love to be called things like thin and skinny, but I can promise you that men detest these words when they’re used about themselves), and if he complains that his height is not where he would like it, please remind him that he is a tower of strength and sturdiness.  So often our men will test themselves by complaining about something in themselves that is not what they would like, so please do not fall into the trap of offering solutions to their complaints.  Instead, be ready to offer encouragement and admiration for all the qualities which they do possess.  If you do, you will obtain his unmitigated devotion.

So back to the good words–do you see how they even have a masculine ring to them?  Even as they are pronounced, they have a lower pitch–although you can certainly say them in your usual soft and higher-pitched tone.  These words will be to his heart like rain to a field of dry grass.  A woman should use them, and others like them, copiously around her man.  She will see his heart swell with pride–the good kind of pride which causes him to want to be his best.

And how about words that she can use to replace the awful ones?  She may find herself in the heat of an argument and be tempted to use negative words again.  But if she can take a look at the following list, she many find some that will help her to make her point . . .  without cutting his soul in two.

Here they are:

  1.  “Brute”
  2.  “Bully”
  3.  “Hairy beast”
  4.  “Unruly”
  5.  “Cold-hearted”
  6.  “Hard-hearted”
  7. “Indomitable”
  8.  “Incorrigible”
  9.  “Unyeilding”
  10.  “Determined”
  11.  “Difficult”
  12.  “Inflexible”
  13.  “Stone-hearted”
  14.  “Unyeilding”
  15.  “Stubborn”
  16.  “Invincible”
  17.  “Big”
  18.  “Tough”
  19.  “Obstinate”
  20.  “Stiff-necked”

And if, when she is using these words, she has the impulse to cry, she should do so, but in a child-like way.

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And “she should be sure that her tears reflect the innocence and vulnerability of a child, not the emotional turmoil of a deeply disturbed woman.” (Fascinating Womanhood, Helen Andelin, Bantam, 1992–see link below–I highly recommend this timeless classic!)

Above all, she should never, ever use again the words which can only belittle her man–no matter what his age.

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Even young men can be keenly conscious of a mother’s, sister’s, or close friend’s cutting words–whether spoken or texted.

So a truly feminine woman should make it her highest priority to eliminate words from her vocabulary such as jerk, imbecile, dork, idiot, stupid, weak, insignificant, simpleminded, dummy, wimp, baby, child, girl, twit, or ass–words which will cut her man to the core and cause him to shut down in a serious way–although he will never, ever, show his embarrassment.  As a matter of fact, he will often laugh right along and take on an attitude of indifference, but a woman should be assured that in his heart, he has shut her out.

The obvious reason is that these words are purely negative, meant only to cut him down, and this is never a good idea.

The other reason is that men are extremely sensitive to the names women use for them and to the words women use to describe them.

Also, these words have a particularly effeminate ring to them, which makes them all the worse for him.  The very last thing any man desires is to be thought of as a woman–wouldn’t any woman also hate it if a man were to say something which made her feel like a man?  Yet even so, men are more sensitive when it comes to the words of his woman–we have tremendous influence for good if we will use the right words.

So, ladies, please take these words to heart, and use your words, your powerful words, to build up rather than to tear down your man.

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And see how beautiful life is

when you’re both on the same side of the wall.








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